My Manifesto

Can we sit down and talk for just a moment? What I’m about to say may not rest well with you and it may not be your answer—and I certainly don’t think it’s the only way—but I need to be true to what my inner core is saying to me.

The truth is, I’ve been thinking pretty deeply lately. I am at a crossroad in deciding what I want to do and where I want to go from here.  You see, I started my work in church trauma because I desired to help traumatized members stay in the Church, if at all possible.  I also wanted to help the Church see that church trauma indeed existed and to help bring awareness, healing, and change within the Church.  But it’s been a journey that I think may need to be tweaked.  I want to continue to promote awareness, healing, and change; however, I am not sure I can continue to try to promote healing and change within the realms of Mormonism.  Allow me to share with you a piece of how I have come to this.  We are going to have to go down memory lane a bit to get there.

…When I started my work, I did some church-trauma surveys.  What I saw in them startled me.  I kept seeing this new area of trauma that I could not ignore—those who had suffered undeniable trauma due to the Church’s history.  Because I knew I could not fully represent church trauma unless I examined and understood all the roots of trauma within the LDS Church, I entered their pain.  It was not an area previously unexamined—I have internally wrestled with Church history off and on since I was a college student but I was always able to settle it.  It is important to understand why I felt my ship was unsinkable:

When I was in my early twenties, I was overwhelmed with questions regarding religion.  I couldn’t make sense of what was true anymore.  I was living in Macomb, Illinois, just a stone’s throw from Nauvoo—where the Saints, including my ancestors, were exterminated in 1846.  When I first moved there, I thought I would be able to convert the world to Mormonism.  After all, I was from the world’s most populated Mormon community—Preston, Idaho—and I thought all they needed was a little enlightenment from someone like me!  How smug and ignorant I was!  But actually, it was the opposite that occurred.  I found myself bombarded with strong and convincing “anti-Mormon” sentiments and literature.   I was the one in need of enlightenment.

During this time, I was attending Western Illinois University and a few of my professors had given me controversial articles, telling me that they wanted me to know what the rest of the world thought about my outlandish religion.  They felt I really didn’t understand my religion at all.  And they were right.   One man I worked with put it best when he told me that I didn’t know anything—that my faith was second-hand and good for nothing.   I also worked with a lady whose acclaimed husband actually wrote and published “anti-Mormon” books.  That was very intimidating and awkward.  How I labored and studied to try to make sense of it all.  I didn’t want to be ignorant!  I truly wanted to understand Mormonism!  As I read and studied the material before me, I began to fear that I’d been lied to my whole life.  I felt my life was turning upside down.  I was hurting so badly over this and was deeply confused.   My husband was very concerned that I would tip off the boat.  He urged me to keep at it and to attend my church meetings.  He bore his testimony every Fast Sunday.  It was only because of him that I didn’t give up and turn on my religion altogether.  But I kept reading my scriptures and praying along with trying to understand the other material I had received.

It was in this state of questioning and seeking that I took a social-studies methods course, a required class for my education degree.  One day the professor of this class told us that we were going to watch a 22-second video about technological advances.  He said, “I am going to tell you about this video before we watch it so that you will understand what is happening.  When I turn on the video, the screen is going to be black.  You aren’t going to know what it is until the very end so I’m going to tell you that it’s a map of the world.  At the top of the screen, you will see the passage of time.  Every time there was a technological advancement made, a light will flicker on.  You will also hear a heartbeat indicating the passage of time because at the end of the video, lights will be flashing on so quickly, that your eyes won’t be able to keep up.”

He turned on the video.  At first, like he had said, the screen was blank.  Then a light came on around 30 AD in the Old World, then another.  But then suddenly the world went dark.  Darkness, darkness, darkness…it seemed like forever…Then around 1500 AD or so a single light flicked on…then boom, boom—nothing…the heartbeat continued until the early 1800s where a solitaire light came on, then another, and another.   It was slow at first and then light, light, light—and more light!!!  The whole world lit up at an unbelievable speed.  It was amazing!  We could see the whole world outlined with lights!

My professor turned off the video and said, “Okay.  Let’s talk about this.  What do you think caused the light to come on around 30 AD—what was happening at that time in history?”  The class thought for a minute and then said, “Oh!  That was during Christ’s ministry!”  My professor said, “Yes!  Did you know the Romans had running water during the ministry of Christ?”  Then he asked, “So what caused the lights to go out, do you suppose?  Why did they lose the knowledge they had?”  Again the class thought for a minute and then said, “Oh, Christ died!  Knowledge was lost!  The Dark Ages began!”  He said, “Yes!  But then, what caused the light to come back on?”  The class sat perplexed.  No one had an answer.  Then all of the sudden, an explanation hit me: The gospel had been restored!  Christ’s Church was on the earth once more!  My eyes flooded with tears.  I felt so overcome that words were not with me.  Tears streamed down my face.  The whole of it came to me in a single moment—it seemed—that the reason the world has light again, the reason we have all of the technological advances and knowledge that we have today is because the gospel is on the earth again!  The entire world benefited from this restoration but so few really understood and accepted the source from which it comes—the heavens were opened again through the prophet Joseph Smith!

At that moment, nothing else mattered to me—I didn’t care what anyone might say about my religion—at that moment I felt I knew the answer: the whole world was an amazing benefactor of the restoration, though they knew it not.  I awed over it all and did for many years onward.

So after this experience, nothing historically church-wise could permanently shake me.  I saw all of the contradictions and problems with the Church, but because of this, I held onto my religion for all it was worth.  Even after I was traumatized, I felt I still had to hold on—the gospel was true! I knew it!  I had been shown that it was!  Thus, I had to endure hell to get to heaven and dammit, I was going to do it!  Nothing was going to deter me!  Not the intense persecution I faced because of a bigot of a bishop and his counselor who seemed bent on destroying my name and even went to the extent of publicly shunning me; not the OB who demanded I get out of my religion to save the life and future health of my baby; not the fact that I had developed PTSD in the name of the religion; not the actuality that my family also had developed STS (secondary traumatic stress) because of my own trauma.  NOTHING!  Mormonism was the ONE and ONLY path to heaven and I was determined to earn my place there!

Fast forward to the spring of this year.  Still determined to stay because nothing could derail me, I was working fully in my church-trauma work, trying to figure out all the roots of LDS church trauma.  As I mentioned, I was encountering a lot of increasingly crazy church-history stories, but still, I was intact.  My testimony on Joseph Smith was cemented.

During this time, I received an email from a man, John Krupa, who had seen my website.  He told me I was doing an important work and wanted to know if he could join with me.  John is a highly successful business professor with a PhD who had left the Church many years prior but was considering coming back.  He was making strides and had even started attending church again.  During one of our regular correspondences, he sent me an article and said, “Danna, what do you think about this?”  I opened it up and what I found shattered everything I just shared with you about the restoration—which, remember, was the only thing that was keeping me in a church I could not stand—a church I felt I HAD to stay in for my own salvation. What this article–and others since–revealed was that many, many people during the early 1800s were having visions and revelations. My mouth dropped opened as I realized the truth: Joseph Smith was not unique or special in his vision! (Now I even question if he even was among those who had visions during this time or if he just took advantage of his era, as some information lends. Plus, his vision wasn’t even known or fabricated until a year or so after the Church was even established.  And even then, it only started out as an angel that appeared to him—not even “the Lord” came into his vision in his earliest tellings.  There’s no record of historical “talk” in Palmyra of its occurrence–as Joseph Smith’s personal history claims–during that time either.)

But anyway, when I saw all these people who had seen visions during this time, I said, “Wow!   Look at that!  God didn’t give a revelation meant for all mankind to just one person!  God seemed to mercifully open the windows of heaven during this time—period!   All those technological advancements had nothing to do with Joseph Smith!  I see that as clear as day now.  To say that video proves the church is true is simply not accurate. If it’s so, then it also proves all the other American religions founded during that time are true as well: Jehovah’s Witnesses, Seventh Day Adventists, Christian Scientists, Pentecosts… ” In seeing this, I was first shocked but then flooded with complete liberation!  What this meant was that I could actually leave this religion—this religion that caused me such hell—without any guilt or shame.  I could actually walk away from my nightmare free of conscience!  Finally!  I had the piece I needed to move forward in my life!  What a merciful gift indeed!  All the other troubling church history I had tried to dance around finally made sense and it all came into a complete whole—THE CHURCH WAS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER RELIGION–and more than that–IT WAS NOT FOUNDED ON TRUTH!

This liberation has had a big effect on me.  I have realized I can actually LIVE again!  I don’t have to live in fear.  I don’t have to be afraid to read or examine certain things.  I don’t have to be afraid of having my soul—and my family’s souls—damned if I don’t stay in a religion that is nothing but trauma to me!  I don’t have to fear that I’m not good enough!  I don’t have to constantly be afraid that God is displeased with me or that I’m letting Him down!  I don’t have to fear that others aren’t going to be saved if I don’t preach to them!  I don’t have to have a hidden missionary agenda in everything I do!  I don’t have to stay a victim and a prisoner in my trauma!  No!  I can actually choose freedom!  I can breathe!  I can do what is best for ME!  What a revelation: God is NOT Mormon!!

This knowledge really started to build on me.  Thus, the idea of redeeming the Church has really swept out of my view simply because I do not believe this Church is redeemable.  How can a church built on deception ever be redeemed?

During this time of pondering over this question, one morning I saw a picture in my mind when I was just waking up.  It was a picture of the church-trauma tree that I’ve developed.  In my mind’s eye, I saw something: the “Unsustainable History” root was wrapped around all the other roots and was pulling the whole tree down.  I realized the tree cannot be redeemed because that one root detrimentally affects all the other roots.  It is the Mother root.  It is how the whole tree began.  Thus, it affects and leads all the other trauma roots: the organizational behavior, the unrighteous dominion, the patriarchy, the discrimination, the unsafe policies, the cultural behavior, the doctrine…  The unsustainable history root brings death to the entire tree.

This brought a death to my former vision.  Yet, I believe that this death is just what I have needed for rebirth.  I can no longer linger in the trauma.  There is life to live!  What this death has taught me is that there IS hope and incredible people and  living outside of Mormonism.  Living that exemplifies what true love is.  Living that displays true humanity.  Living that sees eye to eye with no auras of superiority.  Living that allows us to truly identify with one another’s pain.  Living that encourages us to not become numb to suffering but to allow ourselves to truly examine and help heal their traumas without fear or rigidity.

So yes, my mission with church trauma is still to promote awareness, healing, and change.  But I can no longer do that within a dying tree.  I know this manifesto may hurt people but I must be true to the rebirth calling within my soul:  “Live!  Rise!  Breathe!  Speak!  Help!  Heal!”

Yes, Master Soul, I will.   I will speak my truth:  “The Mormon Church cannot sustain lasting life because the mother root brings deaths to the whole tree.”

Goodbye LDS Church.

Hello Awareness!  Hello Healing!  Hello Change!  Hello LIVING!

Aww…fresh air!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZIXa_3YZfo&t=2s

**Danna Hartline is the founder and creator of The Mormon Trauma Mama.  She is actively involved in advocating for those suffering from church trauma.  She has spoken at many events on the very real issue  of church trauma in the LDS Church including the ADAM Conference, Sunstone Symposium, and the When Church Hurts summit.   For more information on church trauma,  find an overview on the MTM  homepage which includes a presentation she did at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building.  You can follow Danna on her Facebook page The Mormon Trauma Mama.

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